On the situation of grief, how long do others really give you? Three days, three weeks or (at most) 3 months is my experience. Really. That is it. I have experienced every sort of tactic (blaming, shaming, yelling and other sorts of verbal violence) to try and get me to “move on”, “cheer up,” get back to “normal”… and shockingly these attempts have come from some of my closest relationships. What a tension this world brings to the one grieving the loss of a son or daughter. Such an unnatural order of loss and yet people move past the reality of our situation with brevity. So, now that my family is approaching 23 months into this new life without Ethan and with the mess of grief in surround sound, I have some things I just need you to know. May it be the Lord’s will to help you understand my response…
We are not the same people we were before June 9th, 2022. Do not expect to find the same person you knew before that date. Our former selves died that day with Ethan. The loss of a child changes a person. Regardless, we still serve the same God, believe in His goodness and trust His plans for us. We experience God profoundly now walking forward.
You may see or experience us become emotional at times for the rest of our life. Emotions of grief come in waves that one cannot fathom or predict. It does not mean I have lost my faith. Nor does it does mean I am in need of some type of “word” from resources that are giving you comfort. While everyone around us seems to seek temporary “comforts”, we actually do not. It is the farthest thing from our minds and hearts still even now. The three of us actually cannot even comfort each other. The Holy Spirit carries us daily. We grieve with hope as I Thessalonians 4 tells us to. However, we have no desire for comfort in the same manner the rest of the world does.
We would rather someone tell us “it is good to see you” or ask if we have eaten today. Those practical words we can respond to. Otherwise, we stagger at the oft asked question, “How are you?”. To this day, it is one I cannot answer. My response is not one of happiness. I find my mind trying to cope with those I encounter in this manner by searching out other languages for context on how to say a simple “hello”. Such as in the Mandarin Chinese language where “nǐ chīle ma” is a simple hello greeting which really means “have you eaten?”. Saying “hello” without a question is most helpful.
Please know we will never be able to move on. Only those whom have lost a child truly understand this. Grief stages have no order and no ending. We are not “stuck”, but rather the opposite. It is the Lord whom has placed us exactly where he wants us to be. Other bereaved parents tell us there is no moving on. I cannot even fathom feeling this loss as anything less than it felt the moment I learned Ethan had died. In some way, we will carry a certain amount of grief that shows up in the unexpected the rest of our life. You can try and shame or manipulate us into “moving on” with your words or even with your silence; however, those tactics will only create distance. Having been given the blessing of our sons, the loss of Ethan so suddenly is a difficulty I cannot explain. So, I will not try.
It’s okay that I am not okay. It’s alright that I am not alright. In spite of that statement, we are somehow able to wake everyday with breath in our lungs. Somehow, I manage to get up and care for myself, our family, attend to work and details of living. I ask the Lord “How” every moment of each day. Lament is consistently my song. Lament is not wrong. It provides a biblical passage of wrestling with the Lord (expressing fear or complaint, asking boldly, turning to trust) that is well documented in the Psalms.
There is no fixing. There is a brokenness that will not be fixed in this lifetime. We have a blessed assurance for heaven on earth where we will be with Jesus face to face, find wholeness and reunite with Ethan again. Until then, every day is too long.
I will say what I need at the right time. Most of the time, we do not have the emotional stamina to deal with trivial matters when our minds are focused on the eternal. Many come at us with their need. When this happens, it is often too overwhelming to sort out our own needs. In addition, grief brain is real. It robs us of the ability to clearly communicate, exhibit patience or even respond with grace. Do not be offended if we decline social activities. At times we can show up to it and other times we just cannot. We are figuring out a new normal. One that is unfamiliar and uncomfortable.
The joy we experience now is not what others want or expect to see exhibited in us. We experience biblical joy every day. The call to express joy is everywhere in the bible, especially joy in the face of suffering. Very common references often quoted are James 1:2, Phil 4:4, 1 Thes 5:16 and I could go on. However, the understanding of this joy is profoundly in front of us right now. It is not a required “happiness” (which is worldly and fleeting). Joy comes from the Holy Spirit. The biblical joy we experience is thus: “Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of our life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be alright (when Christ returns and heaven is established on earth), and the determined choice to praise God in every situation.”. This is us. This is the joy we have chosen from the first moment when our son died and everyday since. We see joy and the fear of the Lord in a much different and more profound way than others can even imagine. The power we experienced from our God and Savior is terrifying in light of our present reality.
All that said, Jesus is my strength day by day.
Other helpful resources:
There is a really helpful podcast I found not too long after Ethan leaped into heaven. The episode below in particular has helped me shape how I respond to challenging relationships in these days. Before you seek to challenge us in any way, please listen for understanding.
Episode 9 | Ten Things Bereaved Parents Wish You Knew
While We’re Waiting® – Hope After Child Loss
Solid Joys Devotional by John Piper
Seven Sources of Joy
PS… I resonate with the Bereaved Parents Bill of Rights as it is also a good reminder that we have the right to grieve in the way God is directing us… after all we are walking in His will for our life.
