The passage of time these last eleven months has been the most difficult part of the grief journey. Waking up to today marked passage into the last month in our year of “firsts” without Ethan present in this life. Honestly, May has always been Ethan’s month: My first Mothers Day, Purdue Grad (May 13th), Birthday (May 30th).

It is all so overwhelming and terrifying. Moment by moment, I often recite the one chapter that reminds me I am not alone…

“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil, My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

Psalm 23 (NIV Holy Bible)

Loving you, son, and missing you even more profoundly than I did one minute, one day, one week, one month… 324 days ago. You are now always head of me. I rise every day with the knowledge that I am one day closer to the joy of meeting my Jesus face to face. I am squarely focused there. Only then will I see you again… praise the Lord!

“The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever…”

Deuteronomy 29:29

As January set into 2023, we reached out to the Coroner’s office in Tippecanoe County, Indiana. It had been several months since the last update and we were desiring closure to the final genetics test they had ordered. We learned that there were no further answers provided by the test results. Therefore, the Coroner’s office chose not to contact us when the report came back on December 19th as it was so very close to Christmas. Mayo Clinic finished the genetic testing on December 9, 2022, exactly 6 months after Ethan’s passing. They tested 22 genes known to cause sudden cardiac arrest. All came back negative.

As I reflect on these results, I was drawn to God’s word. He reminded me from the Old Testament that the “secret things belong to the Lord…”. We now are only able to remain in the will of God with the assurance that Ethan is in perfect joy with Christ. God alone is the keeper of the “why’s” and He is sufficient for us. The apostle Paul reminds us during times of suffering…

The Lord said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christs’ power may rest on me.”

2 Corinthians 12:9

The void of Ethan’s passing is still so very loud in our souls. It will be a lifetime of waiting, however long that is, to be with Christ and have all things fully revealed. We know the Lord will be faithful until that day.

It is now November… Thanksgiving is almost upon us. In these last five months, finding time to reflect on all we are thankful for has helped us focus on the goodness of God. That really started day one… daybreak of June 9th. In the raw hours of Ethan’s passing, the three of us worshiped our Lord as it was all we could do in those moments. Without finding daily thankful moments, this life – right now – is just too hard. It is an exercise I taught our boys very early on in our home life. To daily reflect on three things we are thankful for is a rhythm that produces a content heart. Starting such a rhythm with them at first helped to teach us how to adjust attitudes, taking focus off self talk. Now, it almost seems like it was an exercise meant to prepare us for these days after Ethan’s passing… to know how to grip the reality of what we once had and to remember. I am drawn to Psalm 23 and 24 daily which reminds me of the goodness of God so well.

In all the details we are processing through these days, we have experienced how God is caring for us. Many have reached out to us with words of care and encouragement. It has taken months of hard conversations, with sometimes complete strangers, to ask for help in one way or another… ending an apartment lease, talking to the would have been Supervisor at his intended job, University Deans, Bank representatives, Loan service members, and the list goes on. We pause now in the midst of it all, to express God has been so gracious. In early August, we received notice from one Private loan service that they had decided to cancel Ethan’s remaining undergraduate loan debt. He had two Private loans he had just begun making repayment toward at the time of his passing. Now, just as October came to a close, we received notice from the second Private loan service that they also canceled the loan. Their grace has been a very kind gesture from our Lord, acknowledging HE is with us.

Joel’s bible study friends had setup a Memorial Fund in the days after Ethan’s passing with these loan needs in mind. We are so very grateful for each person whom gave so generously. In light of God’s provision, our desire is to see this generosity put towards furthering God’s work where Ethan himself was on mission for Christ. Therefore, we have gifted 75% of the Memorial Fund to Ethan’s church at Purdue, Campus House. The remainder we are praying about where Ethan would desire it to be put to use. He was always eager to be engaged in the work of Feed My Starving Children and also was so very involved in the Purdue communities of his research in materials science and eSports.

This Thanksgiving, as we open our thankfulness journal, we have quite a lot to be grateful for.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances. for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

In the day after Ethan’s passing, we learned that waiting would be our norm in the search for answers. To this day we still cannot say with certainty we know “why” our son passed away so suddenly. We know Ethan’s passing was swift and sudden… of no accident. After autopsy, the Coroners words… “he was healthy, no problems with his heart or any bodily system, even though we see evidence of cardiac arrest, we find no catalyst that should have led to this outcome”… were of no solace. Even the detective and funeral director gave us the grim expectation of waiting, 8 to 10 weeks they said it could take.

So, we waited. For what? We are at peace knowing it is God whom has chosen June 9th to be Ethan’s last day physically with us. Professionals however requested a toxicology report/investigation to provide clues or answers not discovered by autopsy. On Monday, August 22nd, 11 weeks since the last day, the Coroners office called to let us know the investigation was moving into a new phase. They have released his Certificate of Death with the cause listed as “Sudden Adult Death of Unknown Natural Cause”. But why the “new phase”? It seems the Coroner is still searching for answers. We are told they have applied for genetic testing. In their search for an answer, we have no say in what course of action is taken now. Ethan, at the age of 22, had no Will or set of instructions that we can point to. I am sure most young adults are in the same place. Just not something we ever dreamed of needing so soon.

So, again, we are left to wait… wait for yet another call. This time with no real indication of when it will come. Not that we will ever move on or be “alright” in this life without Ethan’s presence, these calls bring us back abruptly to the raw emotions of the reality. I have come to realize my worst fear of Ethan passing from an allergic reaction (of which he was so diligent to avoid) would have been so much easier than this unknown. An allergic reaction would have given us swift answers and an end to this waiting. However, that is the Lord’s will for us right now. To rest in the understanding that He alone knows. Psalm 139:14-16 tells me of how we are fearfully and wonderfully made. How all of the intricate details and days are planned and made perfect by our Creator, by our great God.

Therefore, today… 77 days since Ethan’s last most beautiful day, I find myself back at Purdue (and equally amazed at Gods number as I reflect). This time, to collect his remaining things (a laptop, a phone and checkbook) and this Certificate of Death finally released. It is peaceful being here, in the places Ethan loved and with people whom he loves even now that he is departed. Thank you Campus House friends, Dana, Ken and GiJey, for praying over me today. Thank you, David Craig, for taking time out of your schedule to sit and talk, catch up and attend to fellowship time. You all have given me strength for the days ahead as we continue to wait.

Until the next update, more to come out of the waiting I am sure…

(May 30, 2000 – June 9, 2022)

In the days after Ethan’s passing, and leading up to Celebrating his life, the Holy Spirit gave me words in remembering Ethan. I had the opportunity to share them with everyone who gathered on June 26th at Campus House and on July 9th at Christ Community Church. My sons are so much better at public speaking than I, Ethan and Noah are always so confident in what they have to say to a crowd. So, the fact that the Lord chose me to deliver these words was very awkward. It was only by the power of our great God that I could stand. Our Pastors, Rob at Campus House and Eric at Christ Community, both had such amazing words from the Lord in Celebration of Ethan’s life and the life that faith in Christ offers each of us who choose to believe.

Here are HIS words again for you in Remembering Ethan…

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I wish to express our gratitude as I get started. First to Campus House and Christ Community Staff for your deep love and care over us. You are truly the hands and feet of Christ as we proceed through these days.

To the men of Joshua House and Summer Bible Study friends. Our hearts ache with you over what this summer was supposed to be and the difficult events you have endured. Please know Joel and I are here to provide encouragement when needed.

To all of Ethan’s peers, professors, teachers and mentors, friends whom have reached out to us in these last two weeks. Your care for Ethan and us has been remarkable. We are forever grateful for the stories you have told us and the impact Ethan had on your life. We want you to know that the feeling is mutual as he spoke of you with high regard.

To Ethan’s lifelong friends, Matt, Erik and David. For your great courage in the early morning moments of June 9th. Matt for your quick thinking and actions to try all we could from so far away. Our concern for the three of you is profound and we know this has been especially difficult for your mind and soul. Please know our door is always open, a seat at our table always inviting you in. You were with him to the end, for that we are immensely grateful.

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A beautiful day…

It is hard to imagine there would be a more unbelievably beautiful day than graduation day at Purdue… May 13th was at the top of the most amazing days in Ethan’s life. We had no idea in less than a few weeks, June 8th would become the last most beautiful day. He left our home on June 8th with such vibrancy, plans in place and ready to get going on the new life mapped out ahead. There was such excitement in the few short weeks leading up to that day. Ethan was truly distracting!

As we recall all he accomplished on this very last day on earth, it was breathtaking and full… safe travels back to Purdue on his own this time, settling into JHouse, Bible Study (with a side of StarWars we are told!), checking in with his girlfriend, Elise, at the end of the day before some late night gaming with his closest friends. Truly Ethan had a beautiful day and was enjoying the fullness of life God had given him that day! It is a wonder what he thought when he encountered his Savior in the very early moments of Thursday, June 9th…

My goal is to share with you the joy of our son and about the assurance we now have. There are three words about Ethan to shape this time of remembering:

His Courage
His Capacity
His Intensity

Some fun facts about our son:

• • First born grandson in the Wang family, his YeYe’s joy (“YeYe” is Chinese for Paternal Grandfather)
  • Older brother to Noah. The way he loved on his brother is a tribute to the kind of father he would have been.
  • Loved all things Trains, Star Wars and Lego. It was not a surprise to me when he eventually chose Purdue as his undergraduate home… why wouldn’t he! They have a steam engine as a mascot! His capacity to know and understand these things was remarkable at such a young age.
  • He loved every kind of cheese, sushi and hot & sour soup… did I mention “cheese”! Cooking was a joy. A box of Mike & Ike’s his favorite candy.
  • Ethan had a quirky, infectious laugh. I am sure you know what I mean!
  • Studying God’s word was a focal point in Ethan’s life. From early years with Awana he learned to hide Gods Word in his heart. Favorite book to study was James.
  • Math was admittedly Ethan’s favorite of subject. Word problems definitely were his specialty.
  • Ethan had a capacity to recall movie quotes and used them quite frequently to frame funny, quirky moments in life. He was a huge Studio Ghiblii fan with Princess Mononoke as his favorite anime.
  • He loved gaming life and had such a capacity for drawing others into the fun… Warhammer 40K, Pokemon, Splatoon, Euchre, and more.
  • Ethan was such a beautiful skater, he played hockey for 14 years. Off the ice, intense rollerblading became his other passion.
  • On ice and in game, his favorite position was Center, and he was entrusted with the role by most of his coaches. It was at each face off we saw the intensity of Ethan… each game taught him a lot about reading the plays and having courage to make fast decisions. He honed his leadership skills on the ice as a playmaker with a wicked backhand shot.
  • He took great joy in teaching others, whether it be ice skating, rollerblading, gaming tactics or math… many of you expressed how much Ethan helped you overcome your own challenges in learning and about his genuine spirit. He aspired to get back to the ice and coach young guys, to mentor them in the ways coaches had for him in his early years.

Romans 8:31-34 tells us:
“ What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all – how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died – more than that, who was raised to life – is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.”

With all of that one may wonder if Ethan ever experienced challenges. I am here to share with you there were plenty of struggles in his life:

• Allergies, and whoah, lots of them… many of you were aware of his daunting list of food and environmental issues. We taught him not to be afraid, but to be outspoken and live differently, to never expect anyone to understand and always be mindful of his surroundings. As you can expect, the days of elementary and middle school were isolating and lonely at times, with some kids just down right mean.
• Bullies. We have all experienced them… These were Goliath like challenges for Ethan, very perplexing in how to navigate. He had such care and grace for others. We would encourage him to stand his ground, pray unceasingly for those whom were so unkind. I recall one such challenge as he faced a difficult assault from a team mate during practice, Ethan removed his glove and extended his hand, always seeking to humbly gain a friend.
• Math. He met his match at Purdue… Differential Equations! While math had always been something he was gifted to understand, now for the first time he was sure he would fail. Not wanting to admit defeat, he just poured into study with more intensity and isolation. I recall him just exhausted by the mental emotion over it all. Admitting he had such pride in his math skills was hard for him. In that fear of failure place, Ethan came to grips with his limits, he sought refuge in prayer and found that God clearly cared about his despair. It was one very kind tutor whom showed him what he had missed. The failure, in Ethan’s words, was so simple it was unbelievable. He was so grateful openly to the Lord for answering his prayer. This challenge profoundly impacted him and the rest of his coursework at Purdue. He welcomed tutors after that and found ways to collaborate with others in study pursuits. Ultimately, he saw he was not alone. He had made his failure a lonely place and it did not need to be that way ever again.
• Becoming “The Rollerblade Guy”… Known at Purdue for epic stops at intersections and the Freshman year fall – yes, he had a really bad fall while blading to take a test. Many helped him gather his things as he rolled and rebounded quickly, concerned more for his laptop than his body. When he got to the test he asked the proctor for a band-aide and she horribly exclaimed “NOT for that” wound. He took the test with a stack of napkins to control the bleeding and promptly called me for triage advice after!
• Guilt. His most profound lesson… The hardest to overcome. Guilt takes many forms in life and he was not immune to it, often not thinking very highly of himself. I recall the first COVID summer of 2020 and the isolation/loneliness he felt. Upon returning to Virginia to bring him home Ethan expressed desperation for the place his soul was in. Ethan had accepted Christ as Savior as a young boy at that age of 4. Now as a young adult it was time for him to own his faith. It was in this summer where he struggled with whom he was in Christ… Thinking he was not worthy of grace. I explained to him that grace is not a one and done. But an overflowing power from our great God and the Holy Spirit. So with a new found resolve in the days since that summer, Ethan again placed his hope in the Lord and asked for His grace to overcome. It was there the Lord answered him. In the words of Jeremiah 29:13, Ethan sought the Lord with all his heart and in that seeking Ethan found Him and all of the grace needed. He was truly set free, free to live through the constant power of the grace of God in his life. In the book “Good or God”, author and Purdue Alum John Bevere sums it up very well… “the world’s grip is not outward but inward. It comes down to the desires, intentions, and motives of the heart and mind. This is the battlefield; this is where the web is spun. This is where friendship with the world begins and is eventually consummated. And it can happen as easily with a person who rarely attends church as with one who never misses a service… God gives us even more grace to stand against selfish desires. This unmerited empowerment gives us the ability we didn’t previously possess: the capacity to live a holy life.”

If Ethan Wang impacted your life in anyway, please consider who was impacting him. Whom Ethan chose to orbit profoundly impacted everything in his life. The very end of Romans chapter 11 sums up what he knew so very well to be true:

“Oh the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out! Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor? Who has ever given to God, that God should repay him?
For from him and through him and to him are all things.
To him be the glory forever! Amen.”

Ethan had written in his study notes one Sunday recently, “What you put at the center of your life affects what is at the center of the lives of those close to you”. His courage, capacity and intensity for his life and yours was utterly amazing.

As for these days…, there was no accident that took Ethan from us, only the grace of God after such a beautiful day! While professionals still look for answers around the mystery of his earthly passing, we have great joy that Ethan is at peace with our Savior. The God of the universe does not need to knock on our door and ask “permission” to call our son home. HE JUST CAN!

I am sure God is not done with him yet. After all, there is a world yet to be redeemed and plenty of polymer challenges to be solved. Wherever you are at with your walk in Christ, trust that which Ethan was confident in. Seek the Lord with your whole heart…

For God is more than we know,
More than we can Understand,
More than we can Fathom!

In Loving Memory of our son, Ethan Cole Wang