Happy Birthday, Son. Our first without you birthday. Really unspeakable what it is to wake up to today and not have you here. All I can do is hold onto the time we had with you at your birthday last year. I am focused on eternity, taking it all to Jesus…
until I see you again.
All my love, xoxo Mom
These are my guys… Ethan (forever 22) and Noah (14 at the time). I am so glad to have been given sons. They are the joys of my life at all times. I find there are not many pictures of me with them, for I am usually the one taking the picture! In the highs and lows of motherhood, I will always be in awe of the impact they both have on my life.
“Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him.
Psalm 127:3-4
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one’s youth.”
I tuned in to listen to a favorite podcast this morning hoping to frame this Mother’s Day. While We’re Waiting Ministry has been a lifeline for me walking through this year. I had saved Episode 43 “The Highest Form of Love” for today. Just over 5 minutes long, but just the right message I needed to face the day. I am grateful to you, Jill! You have given me courage to keep going by focusing on God’s sacrifice for us all by giving up his son Jesus so that we are able to receive His grace. Powerful!
Look at that smile… Today marks one year since the most beautiful day… Graduation Day at Purdue University. Ethan earned his Materials Science Engineering undergraduate degree on May 13th, 2022. I recall him dancing into Elliot Hall in the processional as the graduates took their places. The Materials Engineering Class of 2022 was a small niche group seated directly in front of the massive Mechanical Engineering section.
The excitement in the auditorium rose as the divisions were announced and students began to rise and receive their degrees. I took this shot of the big screen at that very moment when Ethan received his. Just amazing!
I recall the roar of engineers as each division was called to rise and proceed to the platform. It was just incredible. After the ceremony, we found Ethan on the lawn outside of Elliot hall near the Engineering fountain. We stood taking pictures and marveling at the beauty of the day. Then we walked down the mall one last time to Armstrong Hall to join his fellow Materials Engineering professors and graduates in further celebration of their accomplishment.
We were treated to all the energy of a Big Ten University as they celebrated the largest School of Engineering undergraduate class in history that Spring… the amazing voices of the Purdue Men’s Glee Choir and Orchestra. President Daniels keynote speech to the graduates expressed to each and every one of them the idea that they are not one dimensional. Rather, they would make their mark and continue growing and learning. He proudly stated they were “about to add another facet to their diamond that is you as you receive your degree.”
It feels sadly surreal now, one year later. At times, I find myself unable to contain the overwhelming desire I have to see Ethan carrying out his purpose in the world of materials. I am still just as proud of him as I was on graduation day… only now I await the time when heaven is brought here on this earth, resurrection day and the ceremony God has planned for the new life that is waiting. We are promised that God will redeem it. I know I will get to see Ethan use those amazing gifts… Until I see you rise… waiting for that day.
“For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first..”
1 Thessalonians 4:16
In my last writing, you saw our boys enjoying brotherly time together. Even though Noah and Ethan are more than 7 years apart, it was beautiful to watch them grow up together. I recall remarking often how Ethan just had God’s ear. Anytime he set to praying for something, it seemed that sooner or later he had an answer… January 31st snow storm of 2011, Ethan prayed for 2ft of snow (all in the hopes of not having to head back to school so early the next day!). We woke the next morning to almost exactly that!!
There was one time even more precious than that snow storm though… it was the day Ethan determined to pray for a brother. Before age 5, we could see Ethan was ready to share life with someone else along side. December 2006, tired of waiting, Ethan wrote at the top of his Christmas list…“#1. A Brother”.
We helped him understand that God is the one who determines if he would have a sibling. We encouraged him to simply pray and trust that God would answer him. It was such an amazing gift a few months later when we learned we were expecting our second child! We tried to set expectations for Ethan. Explaining, just because God was answering his prayer, it did not mean that he would automatically receive a brother... Ethan was so confident that God was going to give him a brother though. To our delight, in November that year, Noah was born.
Our guys are true brothers! Challenging each other in just about every way. However, for all of their competition, there is a sweet bond they both share.
Both having highly creative minds, Ethan loved to take Noah’s ideas and spin them into reality. Countless lego builds, video/stop motion projects and forts were built over the years. Loving all things StarWars (Clones, droids, and every kind of battle ship), Legos and science projects, mini-golf, riding bikes, playing “shinny hockey” in the hallway or street hockey in the driveway. They were always about time together, just hanging out.
In those days together, Noah studied his older brother well. He could keep up with the quick witted teenager even before he grew to be double digits himself. They are both equally good at remembering movie lines and hilarious sayings… not to mention using them to frame moments in our days. To have two boys growing up in our home provided days full of energy and joy! At times when it is quiet, I remember the noise of my guys and think about how much Noah also needs a brother…
Thank you, Ethan, for praying for Noah…
Love you both, Mom
even more than that, for trusting God had your back in the answer!
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“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”
Proverbs 17:17
As I mentioned yesterday, Star Wars Days in our home have always had a certain amount of creative energy. Besides saber battles in full costume, we have many fun memories of our guys replaying scenes and using movie lines to frame life in celebration. Check out how our guys figured out who was master of the Vader Force Choke way back in May 2013…
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Star Wars Day. Our family has always enjoyed geeking out to everything about this beloved story. Who would have thought the 1977 original movie by George Lucas would have permeated our lives and culture to such a level as this. I recall sitting in a packed theater to watch the original movie when I was a young 7 year old girl… mesmerized by the new effects and sounds. It was exciting and loud back then.
Today is quiet though, with thoughts about how we can turn the longing to be together with Ethan into a day we can celebrate. The sentiment of “be with you” feels lost without him here to get the fun started.
While Ethan and Noah never got to see Star Wars: A New Hope on the big screen, they have enjoyed watching it on DVD at home A LOT! It is really living out scenes in their own way that proved the most fun. To see their creativity in using the story to impact others has been really amazing.
As Noah and I reflect on Star Wars Days of the past, we dream of days ahead to “be with” Ethan again… it is just not the same day as it was when he was here to bring the lore to life “with us”.
Feel free to add any of your own Star Wars Day memories.
May the 4th be with you…
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The passage of time these last eleven months has been the most difficult part of the grief journey. Waking up to today marked passage into the last month in our year of “firsts” without Ethan present in this life. Honestly, May has always been Ethan’s month: My first Mothers Day, Purdue Grad (May 13th), Birthday (May 30th).
It is all so overwhelming and terrifying. Moment by moment, I often recite the one chapter that reminds me I am not alone…
“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
Psalm 23 (NIV Holy Bible)
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil, My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”
Loving you, son, and missing you even more profoundly than I did one minute, one day, one week, one month… 324 days ago. You are now always head of me. I rise every day with the knowledge that I am one day closer to the joy of meeting my Jesus face to face. I am squarely focused there. Only then will I see you again… praise the Lord!
“The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever…”
Deuteronomy 29:29
As January set into 2023, we reached out to the Coroner’s office in Tippecanoe County, Indiana. It had been several months since the last update and we were desiring closure to the final genetics test they had ordered. We learned that there were no further answers provided by the test results. Therefore, the Coroner’s office chose not to contact us when the report came back on December 19th as it was so very close to Christmas. Mayo Clinic finished the genetic testing on December 9, 2022, exactly 6 months after Ethan’s passing. They tested 22 genes known to cause sudden cardiac arrest. All came back negative.
As I reflect on these results, I was drawn to God’s word. He reminded me from the Old Testament that the “secret things belong to the Lord…”. We now are only able to remain in the will of God with the assurance that Ethan is in perfect joy with Christ. God alone is the keeper of the “why’s” and He is sufficient for us. The apostle Paul reminds us during times of suffering…
The Lord said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christs’ power may rest on me.”
2 Corinthians 12:9
The void of Ethan’s passing is still so very loud in our souls. It will be a lifetime of waiting, however long that is, to be with Christ and have all things fully revealed. We know the Lord will be faithful until that day.
It is now November… Thanksgiving is almost upon us. In these last five months, finding time to reflect on all we are thankful for has helped us focus on the goodness of God. That really started day one… daybreak of June 9th. In the raw hours of Ethan’s passing, the three of us worshiped our Lord as it was all we could do in those moments. Without finding daily thankful moments, this life – right now – is just too hard. It is an exercise I taught our boys very early on in our home life. To daily reflect on three things we are thankful for is a rhythm that produces a content heart. Starting such a rhythm with them at first helped to teach us how to adjust attitudes, taking focus off self talk. Now, it almost seems like it was an exercise meant to prepare us for these days after Ethan’s passing… to know how to grip the reality of what we once had and to remember. I am drawn to Psalm 23 and 24 daily which reminds me of the goodness of God so well.
In all the details we are processing through these days, we have experienced how God is caring for us. Many have reached out to us with words of care and encouragement. It has taken months of hard conversations, with sometimes complete strangers, to ask for help in one way or another… ending an apartment lease, talking to the would have been Supervisor at his intended job, University Deans, Bank representatives, Loan service members, and the list goes on. We pause now in the midst of it all, to express God has been so gracious. In early August, we received notice from one Private loan service that they had decided to cancel Ethan’s remaining undergraduate loan debt. He had two Private loans he had just begun making repayment toward at the time of his passing. Now, just as October came to a close, we received notice from the second Private loan service that they also canceled the loan. Their grace has been a very kind gesture from our Lord, acknowledging HE is with us.
Joel’s bible study friends had setup a Memorial Fund in the days after Ethan’s passing with these loan needs in mind. We are so very grateful for each person whom gave so generously. In light of God’s provision, our desire is to see this generosity put towards furthering God’s work where Ethan himself was on mission for Christ. Therefore, we have gifted 75% of the Memorial Fund to Ethan’s church at Purdue, Campus House. The remainder we are praying about where Ethan would desire it to be put to use. He was always eager to be engaged in the work of Feed My Starving Children and also was so very involved in the Purdue communities of his research in materials science and eSports.
This Thanksgiving, as we open our thankfulness journal, we have quite a lot to be grateful for.
Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances. for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
In the day after Ethan’s passing, we learned that waiting would be our norm in the search for answers. To this day we still cannot say with certainty we know “why” our son passed away so suddenly. We know Ethan’s passing was swift and sudden… of no accident. After autopsy, the Coroners words… “he was healthy, no problems with his heart or any bodily system, even though we see evidence of cardiac arrest, we find no catalyst that should have led to this outcome”… were of no solace. Even the detective and funeral director gave us the grim expectation of waiting, 8 to 10 weeks they said it could take.
So, we waited. For what? We are at peace knowing it is God whom has chosen June 9th to be Ethan’s last day physically with us. Professionals however requested a toxicology report/investigation to provide clues or answers not discovered by autopsy. On Monday, August 22nd, 11 weeks since the last day, the Coroners office called to let us know the investigation was moving into a new phase. They have released his Certificate of Death with the cause listed as “Sudden Adult Death of Unknown Natural Cause”. But why the “new phase”? It seems the Coroner is still searching for answers. We are told they have applied for genetic testing. In their search for an answer, we have no say in what course of action is taken now. Ethan, at the age of 22, had no Will or set of instructions that we can point to. I am sure most young adults are in the same place. Just not something we ever dreamed of needing so soon.
So, again, we are left to wait… wait for yet another call. This time with no real indication of when it will come. Not that we will ever move on or be “alright” in this life without Ethan’s presence, these calls bring us back abruptly to the raw emotions of the reality. I have come to realize my worst fear of Ethan passing from an allergic reaction (of which he was so diligent to avoid) would have been so much easier than this unknown. An allergic reaction would have given us swift answers and an end to this waiting. However, that is the Lord’s will for us right now. To rest in the understanding that He alone knows. Psalm 139:14-16 tells me of how we are fearfully and wonderfully made. How all of the intricate details and days are planned and made perfect by our Creator, by our great God.
Therefore, today… 77 days since Ethan’s last most beautiful day, I find myself back at Purdue (and equally amazed at Gods number as I reflect). This time, to collect his remaining things (a laptop, a phone and checkbook) and this Certificate of Death finally released. It is peaceful being here, in the places Ethan loved and with people whom he loves even now that he is departed. Thank you Campus House friends, Dana, Ken and GiJey, for praying over me today. Thank you, David Craig, for taking time out of your schedule to sit and talk, catch up and attend to fellowship time. You all have given me strength for the days ahead as we continue to wait.
Until the next update, more to come out of the waiting I am sure…
